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Wednesday
Dec172014

[12 DAYS OF GIFT GUIDES] Gifts for the TV Obsessive

Every now and then, you'll come across a person who prides themselves on not watching TV.  You'll all be out somewhere, and as soon as someone mentions a particular TV show, she'll announce, "I don't even HAVE a TV."  As if completely being out of the pop culture loop is some kind of badge of honor. 

Nobody gets more annoyed about this shit than the TV Obsessive.  He doesn't just watch TV, he devours it.  He has thousands and thousands of Twitter followers because he live tweets The Bachelor every week.  He has somehow seen every show on TV—from acclaimed scripted shows like Breaking Bad and House of Cards, to mediocre sitcoms like How I Met Your Mother and According to Jim, to the dregs of reality TV.  He's even seen Blackish, for Christ's sake.  And he's somehow watching all of these shows even though he works a full-time job.  It's both impressive and frightening. 

The obvious gift choice for a TV Obsessive is to just get him a box set of DVDs of one of his favorite shows, but get a clue—if you think he doesn't already own the full series box set of Friends, you're DEAD WRONG.  Let's get a little more imaginative, shall we?   

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Tuesday
Dec162014

[SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION] Sports Equipment for Under the Tree

The holidays are so jam-packed that we all tend to forget what the words “leisure time” mean.  But it’s important to get out there and throw a ball around, hit a golf course, or spend a lazy day on a boat with a fishing pole.  That’s why we’ve rounded up the best sports equipment to put under the tree this year—whether it’s a present for your kid, teammate, golf buddy, or even for yourself (feel free to forward this to your mom or your wife—ain’t no shame in knowing what you want). Read it here.

Tuesday
Dec162014

[12 DAYS OF GIFT GUIDES] Gifts for Your Brother, Who's in Grad School

There are people who go to college for 4 years and then are done with education forever (JKJKJKJK LIFE IS OUR CLASSROOM), and there are people that seem to be perpetually in school.  "I'm working on my second Master's" they'll say to you when you ask what they're doing nowadays, and you wonder why they'd want to continue to build on their crushing student loan debt and also how they could continue to want to write papers.  You haven't written an essay in 10 years.  You wouldn't even know how to go about it.  Do they still use SCANTRONS?  Whatever.

Your brother is one of the people who is perpetually pursuing higher education, but unlike the people who use school as a way to delay actually getting a job and going to work, he's one of the people who works full-time and then goes to school at night.  This means he is constantly tired and has zero time for anything—friends, a girlfriend, vacations, basic hygiene, and the like.  

What he'd really like for Christmas is either sleep, or tuition money, or maybe for you to write this 25 page paper on the ethics of mineral mining, but you're not going to give him any of that shit.  You don't know anything about mineral mining (and you have shaky personal ethics anyway), you're not going to give him cash, and you can't give sleep as a gift because if you could, you'd be the most sought-after person in the whole goddamned world.  Instead, give him one of these gifts, that will either faciliate productivity as it relates to school work, or help him stress eat.  

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Monday
Dec152014

[GIFTED] Ugly Holiday Sweater Cookies

10 years ago, Ugly Holiday Sweater Parties didn't exist.  We all just wore ugly holiday sweaters unironically because our moms bought them for us and we thought they were festive.  I remember in high school, some adorable but geeky and clueless kid who had yet to realize his own potential as an attractive human being wore a Christmas sweater with a reindeer on it and everyone made fun of him behind his back.  I just saw that same sweater on J Crew's website for like $97.  WHAT IS UGLY ANYMORE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW.  

But anyway, the point is—Ugly Holiday Sweater Parties are now a thing.  For the first one you got invited to, you indulged the myth that you'd be able to buy a hideous/hilarious sweater at the Salvation Army for 75 cents.  Not true.  It was never true.  So you ended up having to go to the old lady section of JC Penney and drop $45 on something ugly with snowmen stitched on it just for the sake of a joke.  Then, nobody threw an Ugly Holiday Sweater Party for a few years and you threw the sweater out when you moved, thinking, "I'm never gonna wear this again."  Of course, right after you throw it away, one of your friends announces they're having an Ugly Holiday Sweater Party and you have to drag yourself BACK to JC Penney and get down with Alfred Dunner AGAIN.       

But they're fun, right?  OH WHAT FUN IT IS.  Listen, instead of dropping your precious cash on ANOTHER ugly sweater you'll never wear again, wear a regular sweater and show up with a tray of these Ugly Holiday Sweater Cookies ($50, Harry & David).  You're still participating, but 1.) you're not dressed like an asshole and 2.) everyone will love you for bringing theme-appropriate snacks.  

Friday
Dec122014

[12 DAYS OF GIFT GUIDES] Gifts for the Golf Obsessive

You've played golf a few times in your life.  It's something different to do, and it's nice to be outside.  Very peaceful.  You can get beers from the beverage cart.  All of that.  But after around 6 holes, you start to get bored.  You wonder why in the hell you ever agreed to play 18 holes.  Around hole 11, your golf game begins to resemble the Battan Death March.  You ditch out at hole 15 to go get beers and sandwiches at the clubhouse.  

That's why you'll never understand the Golf Obsessive.  The guy who has a standing 7am tee time every Saturday to play 18 holes.  The guy who spends thousands of dollars on golf paraphernalia every year.  The guy who tracks his swing and his scores like a mad man.  The guy who watches golf on TV (literally the most boring thing on the face of the Earth). 

You don't have to understand him.  He's probably your father or your uncle anyway, and those are men you're not supposed to understand.  It's fine.  Get him any (or ALL if you're feeling particularly generous) of these items and he'll be thrilled.     

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