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[GIFTED] Bae-Sic Betch Valentine's Day Gift Box

If you are in your late 20's or early 30's, a few months ago, you started seeing the word "bae" everywhere and were confused, then intrigued.  It was all over the Instagram captions of younger family members.  It was in headlines of countless Buzzfeed articles.  

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!??! You wondered.  There are conflicting views on what it actually stands for—most people agree that it's just a way to refer to your significant other (see: "my boo"), some people say it actually stands for "before anyone else"—but all you really need to know is that it's a term of endearment and also that you probably shouldn't use it unless you are an urban youth or you are Beyonce (you're not Beyonce).  

But if you don't heed my advice and still use it even though you're not young or Beyonce, than get your bae this Bae-Sic Betch Valentine's Day Gift Box ($60, With Love from Brooklyn) filled with sweet treats perfect for the lady you put before anyone else. 


[GIFTED] Scrubba Wash Bag

You've got a friend who's always going camping.  He tells you that he's going "off the grid" for two weeks in the summer and you can't imagine not having air conditioning for two minutes, let alone two weeks.  Whatever.  We're all different, just like snowflakes. 

The thing about camping and hiking and all that physical, outdoorsy activity is that you get sweaty, and muddy, and dusty, and smelly.  All of the clothes that you bring have to fit in your backpack, so the only option your outdoorsy friend has is to wear those gross clothes or, I don't know, wash them in a stream and beat them against a rock like crazy hill people do (sounds like an awesome vacation). 

NOT ANYMORE, though.  Enter the Scrubba Wash Bag ($60).  All your friend has to do is add water, some soap, close the bag, rub it for a few minutes, rinse and rub again, and then hang to try on a nearby tree branch or some shit.  This produces the cleanest clothes you're going to get when you're in the middle of the wilderness, making it the best gift your outdoorsy friend will ever receive.  It might even help him convince his girlfriend to go camping with him.     


[GIFTED] Ike & Stella Dog Collars 

You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of collar their dog wears.  It sounds crazy, but it’s true.  Is that chihuahua wearing a golden collar nicer than your wedding ring?  The owner is a high-maintenance rich bitch.  Is that golden retriever wearing a bandana?  The owner is a hipster or a crunchy granola type.  The list could go on.  But if you put one of these Ike & Stella Collars (Starting at $50) on your dog, people won’t think you’re a privileged bitch or a hipster douche—they’ll think you have great taste.  In fact, they’re so nice and well designed that you could wear them as a bracelet.  Although, then you’d have to admit you’re wearing a dog collar on your wrist, and who wants to do that?  Just stick with keeping these on your dog.   


[GIFTED] Build-Your-Own Sailboat Kit

Building a "scale model" anything sounds like something only an old man would do, but if you're looking to BUILD SOMETHING WITH YOUR OWN TWO HANDS but live in a city with no outdoor space (let alone a basement or garage wood shop), this Build-Your-Own Sailboat Kit ($74, Best Made Co.) might be for you.

You can put it on a shelf and impress dates with your ability to craft something yourself.  Or you can attempt it and realize you suck at these sorts of things and stomp on it before throwing it into the garbage.  Your choice. 


[GIFTED] Ugly Holiday Sweater Cookies

10 years ago, Ugly Holiday Sweater Parties didn't exist.  We all just wore ugly holiday sweaters unironically because our moms bought them for us and we thought they were festive.  I remember in high school, some adorable but geeky and clueless kid who had yet to realize his own potential as an attractive human being wore a Christmas sweater with a reindeer on it and everyone made fun of him behind his back.  I just saw that same sweater on J Crew's website for like $97.  WHAT IS UGLY ANYMORE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW.  

But anyway, the point is—Ugly Holiday Sweater Parties are now a thing.  For the first one you got invited to, you indulged the myth that you'd be able to buy a hideous/hilarious sweater at the Salvation Army for 75 cents.  Not true.  It was never true.  So you ended up having to go to the old lady section of JC Penney and drop $45 on something ugly with snowmen stitched on it just for the sake of a joke.  Then, nobody threw an Ugly Holiday Sweater Party for a few years and you threw the sweater out when you moved, thinking, "I'm never gonna wear this again."  Of course, right after you throw it away, one of your friends announces they're having an Ugly Holiday Sweater Party and you have to drag yourself BACK to JC Penney and get down with Alfred Dunner AGAIN.       

But they're fun, right?  OH WHAT FUN IT IS.  Listen, instead of dropping your precious cash on ANOTHER ugly sweater you'll never wear again, wear a regular sweater and show up with a tray of these Ugly Holiday Sweater Cookies ($50, Harry & David).  You're still participating, but 1.) you're not dressed like an asshole and 2.) everyone will love you for bringing theme-appropriate snacks.