Gifts for Your Mom
Amanda Tuesday, May 3, 2011 at 06:00AM 
Think about the last phone conversation you had with your mother. At some point, it probably involved her listening to you while you described what kind of sandwich you had for lunch.
“Did it have lettuce on it?” she asked.
The woman is really interested in that sandwich you had, because no one cares more about every single mundane detail of your life quite like your mother does. Because she literally created you, she always seems to be really excited when you can accomplish even the most basic tasks.
You tie your shoes, and she shakes her head and smiles. My child can tie her shoes all by herself, she’s thinking, completely ignoring the fact that you’re 30 years old and that even Forrest Gump could tie his own shoes.
Your mother cares for you 365 days a year, listening to your hopes, dreams, fears, and sandwich selections ad nauseam, so the least you can do is make a big deal about her for one day. A good gift is important, but start with the little things: don’t get an “attitude” with her on the phone like you usually do, and for once, don’t cut her off as she rambles on about the lives of extended family members that you don’t care about.
We all have to start somewhere.
Kay Jewelers has been brainwashing us for years, making us think that heart-shaped diamond pendants are the ultimate way to show someone that you love them. "Diamonds are a girl's best friend," sluts and golddiggers say, but you know who my best friend is? MONEY. Write me a check and I will love you forever. But if your mother's blood type isn't ice cubes like mine, she might want something a little more thoughtful.
Here are a bunch of worthy gift suggestions that will let Mom know just how much (or, how little) you care.
This is a woman who doesn't even know what "PTA" stands for, so let it suffice to say that she's never been to a meeting. She let you rent R-rated movies so often that even the clerk at your local Blockbuster broke out of her shell of apathy to express concern. But you turned out all right, didn't you? You can read and you have a job and you've only done drugs once or twice, right? Perfect.
1. Your mother started smoking when she was twelve years old, back when smoking was sexy and you were allowed to do it in bars and office buildings. She's tried to quit about 700 times and it was always extra-fun for everyone in the family. "Hide my cigarettes and don't give them to me no matter what I say," she told you when you were nine years old. Fast-forward to about three hours later and she's screaming at you for her cigarettes. She was usually normal and laid back, but in this instance, she was about to go all "Mommie Dearest" on you. You gave them to her. To this day, black coffee and chainsmoking is the way your mother starts her day. This Skull & Crossbones Mug (Spoon Sisters, $11.95) is the perfect accessory for this scary badass who gave you life.
2. Just because your mother smokes like a chimney and cusses like a sailor doesn't mean that she isn't like other moms. She still cries at MasterCard commercials, doesn't she? There's nothing a mother loves more than photos of her children, as evidenced by the goofy fucking photos of you displayed all over the house. You've begged and begged her to take down your high school graduation photo (you know, the one where you're draped in that ill-fitting black velvet cloth, fake pearls, and you're cocking your head awkwardly to the side or leaning against a brick wall like a bully from a comic strip). She won't do it. Put all of those embarrassing photos from your awkward stage (ages 8 to 22) in this Fucking Awesome Photo Album (Urban Outfitters, $16) . Even though it might seem arrogant to give someone photos of yourself and call it a gift, mom won't mind.
3. You'll call your mother on a Sunday afternoon and Cheryl will be over. Cheryl is your next door neighbor who always comes over and drinks 15 bottles of wine with your mother while your father hides in the bedroom. Let these winos get smashed in style with these Italian Glass Bottles (Uncommon Goods, $14). Boxed wine will look way classier in these. It's like saying, "Mom, you're all that and a bag of Franzia."
4. Speaking of cheap wine and low-class women, your mom (and Cheryl) will get a big kick out of this Screw You Corkscrew (Fred Flare, $14). The corkscrew pops up out of a plastic hand where the middle finger should be, which is hi-larious if you have a middle school education.
As a result of your "peace, love, and understanding" upbringing, you’re probably an ultra-conservative investment banker. During every conversation you have with your mother, she not-so-subtly points out how disappointed she is that you’ve devoted your life to the pursuit of money. Then, you not-so-subtly point out that when she told you that you could be anything you wanted to be, you didn’t realize that “anything you wanted to be” had to involve a life that prominently features a pottery wheel, assorted rain sticks, and a wardrobe that includes an extensive amount of tie-dye and hemp accessories.
Let’s just say that things are a little tense.
Show her that you’re not totally out of touch with your creative side by picking up the following items that any douchey hippie would love. It's like saying, “Hey Mom, I still hate your lifestyle, but I will forever be trying to make you happy.” This is the story of everyone’s life.
1. Don't let the unwashed hair and feet fool you: there's nothing that hippies like more than jewelry. Why? Because they're basically gypsies, that's why. Take a minute to picture a gypsy. She probably looks like a cross between Rhoda from the Mary Tyler Moore Show and one of the pirates from Peter Pan, right?
Jewels! They want jewels! (for their treasure chests, presumably)
But you need to be cautious in your jewelry selection here: hippies don't want one of those stupid white gold, diamond-encrusted heart pendants that every jewelery store starts hawking around Mother's Day. They want something unique, so they can pretend that THEY'RE unique, which is the whole point of being a hippie anyway. In general, anything wooden or brown will do the trick, like this Wooden Bangle (ASOS, $80.69) or River Island Bracelet Set (ASOS, $23.31).
2. "I just need to be outside," your mother would say to you whenever she was stressed. Being one with nature is very important to hippies—they love laying in the grass and standing knee-deep in frigid streams, totally indifferent to all of the different bugs and diseases that lurk around every corner. Mother Nature may be beautiful, but so was that girl who gave you herpes. Your condo might not be cozy, but you're pretty positive you're not going to get lyme disease there. These Roost Potted Candles (Uncommon Goods, $36) are a good compromise for both of you. They look like potted plants, which she LOVES, but they're just candles. Bonus: when lit, they will help keep away all of the mosquitos that got into the house because she insists on leaving the screen door open to "air out the house."
3. If your mother had it her way, you'd all eat without utensils, like they make you do at Medieval Times. While other kids loved "finger food," you were begging for forks and spoons. "This isn't the Swiss Family Robinson," you'd complain. "I don't want to drink this soup straight out of the bowl!" Then the "starving children in Africa" would once again be brought up, and you'd have to obey. These Log Bowls (Loyal Loot) will keep you from being barbarians (you're one step away, FYI) while still achieving that look your mother loves so much. These things look like they were literally carved out of an old tree stump. What's a store? We live off the land in this family!
4. Whenever your mom's old friends from the 70's would roll into town in an old van that looked like it may or may not have been involved in some sort of criminal activity, they would sit around, drinking organic wine and listening to Harry Chapin. After a few bottles of wine, the photo albums would be pulled out and you'd think two things: 1.) Why did your mother think that bandanas were the way to go? 2.) Why did your father look like a cross between the Unabomber and Jesus Christ?
Every photo looked something like this:
"Haha, here's a photo of us at that protest rally," they'd say. Then they would all make vague drug references like, "Your mother sure had a green thumb back then!" Of course, that went over your head until the moment in high school when you were also trying to hide the fact that you were smoking weed too.
Let your mom know that you're onto her sketchy hippie past by giving her these Wildflower Seed Bombs (Uncommon Goods, $7). "Hey mom, I know that you used to grow weed when you lived in California," you'll say. "But how about you grow some basil instead?" She won't be able to say anything because you have incriminating evidence against her, and she also doesn't want you to dig further and discover her short stint in the Symbionese Liberation Army.
Because she ruined her body and her life in order to give you yours, there’s no one on the planet that can make you feel guilty quite like your mother. On one hand, she’s right. You can watch six hours of The Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo, but you can’t pick up the phone and call the person who gave you life? On the other hand, it’s your life, isn’t it? You’re the boss of you, right? You should decide what you do with your precious free time, right? WRONG. Don’t get too self-righteous—you will never win this battle. She may be trying to guilt you, but what she really wants is just a little bit of your time and attention.
Show her that she didn't raise a total inconsiderate jerk by picking up a few of these awesome gifts:
1. If you were to graph how much your mother talks to the cat from the time you moved out to now, you would see about a 500% increase. A few years ago, your mother viewed that cat like anyone else would view any other domesticated cat. She would scratch his ears and fill his bowl with Meow Mix, but when he disappeared under the dining room table for seven hours, she never really cared or noticed. Nowadays, the cat, who could best be described as "totally indifferent to any kind of human contact," is pulled from his under-the-table hiding place to be held against his will on the couch while she's watching NCIS or Army Wives. What used to be a passing "hello" to the cat has morphed into a full-on, one-sided conversation. You call home, and you're forced to wait as she puts the receiver up to the cat's face and tries to force a few "meows" out of him.
"Talk to the cat!" she'll insist, and you're left with no choice but to embrace the beginnings of senilility by mumbling a "hello" to the cat who just wants to be put down so he can run off to his new hiding place in the very back of the linen closet.
Indulge the undeniable fact that she's projecting all of her maternal instincts onto the cat and pick up this Cardboard Cat Chalet (Uncommon Goods, $28), which manages to sound both stupid and fancy at the same time. It'll tolerate the craziness and provide the cat with a brand-new hiding place.
2. Here's a reality check: if you have one cat, you are just FOUR cats away from being scientifically classified as a crazy cat lady. With all of the talking to the cat, holding the cat, talking about the cat, your mother is well on her way to that. This is a woman who calls the house when no one is home and leaves messages on the answering machine for the cat to listen to. Watch her squeal with delight as you present her with these Inconvenient Kitty Tumblers (Uncommon Goods, $35) that depict all of the ways a cat can annoy you: climbing on you while you're trying to sleep, licking its asshole in front of you while you're eating dinner, etc.
"It's so true!" she'll exclaim. She will laugh much more than necessary.
Of course, the glasses will inevitably be used as the cat's personal water dish because, apparently, he doesn't like drinking out of bowls, only glasses. Great. This cat shits in a box, but he needs to drink out of glassware. Your mother has effectively turned your childhood home to Crazytown USA.
3. Aside from talking to the cat, your mother has found another way to pass the time in the empty nest: food and booze. You'd like to think that as soon as you left home that your mother's life had stopped, only to resume again when you show up for the holidays. WRONG. She's out reconnecting with her friends, having dinner parties, throwing clam bakes, and drinking more than ever. She wasted twenty years being responsible, cleaning your face, and walking around with your used Kleenex in her pockets—now is the time for her to get drunk and have fun. Pick up these Scrimshaw Dinner Plates (Orange & Pear, $40) so she can add a little nautical flare to her next boozy backyard BBQ.
4. Speaking of booze, your mother has started a new routine where she drinks martinis while watching American Idol. She'll call you up on commercial breaks around martini #3 and tell you things like "Your middle name was going to be Tiffany, but your grandfather was against it," or "You know that kid you went to high school with? He's dead." Then, you will once again be forced to explain who Cee Lo Green is and there will be a pause in conversation and you'll ask what she's doing. "Feeding the olives to the cat," she'll say. Let her nurse her burgeoning alcohol problem in style with this Core Martini Gift Set (CB2, $25). She'll be shaking it like a polaroid picture.
So that's it. Twelve awesome presents you can buy for your Mom this Mother's Day. All of them are a great way to say, "Thanks for loving me unconditionally even though I'm almost always acting like an asshole."
In fact, if you call her and say that, it might count as a gift in itself.
I'ma try it.
mother's day, your mom in You're Welcome
Reader Comments (7)
Laughed my ass off!!!!! Little bit of everyone in this!!!!!!!
Skull and Cross-bone mug it is.
you are a genius
@Mom: Thanks for not being mad at me for exposing all of your secrets
@Alicia: You should be buying off of the Hippie list
@Appletree: No, YOU are.
Started off as the Hippy and am now the empty nest mom which means I traded in the green thumb for the Martini. I like calling my kids between episodes of Criminal Minds and reminding them to call me when they get out of work. Then I might even call again to see how their meeting is going and ask if they read the newest piece on nano technology or remembered their lunch. I saw myself in each one of these! Too funny!!
@Amanda - While I didn't become the investment banker you speak of i have entered the world of politics and became a substance abuse counselor... close enough to rebelling against that green thumb. As per the skull and cross-bone mug I think that you stole a scene directly from my life where my mother pleaded with me to hide all of her cigarettes and ashtrays only to threaten me with mother sized guilt until i gave them back.
Very funny and as a Mother of six children I hate to admit it but very true!!!!!!! I think I see myself in all of them so could you call my kids and tell them that I get all the above gifts.......